Waitress? My cheeseburger seems to be broken.
While having a full out binge week, where I can literally count the number of vegetables I have had on one hand, I realized that emotional eating doesn’t work. Now, I know, for those of you who don’t struggle with emotional eating because you figured out a long time ago that food isn’t the answer, you may be saying, ” No kidding Erica!”… in a sarcastic, wily tone. And I know I have posted about emotional eating before. But this week has been one broken cheeseburger after another. My emotional eating tactic isn’t working any more!
I used to get this sense of relief from certain foods. Maybe even euphoria, as fleeting as it may have been, for a glimpse of a second it was a happy button I could control. That button is broken and I am not sure why? I honestly don’t know if it is because I am on my new path and I am learning to feel feelings regardless of what I spoon into my mouth or if it is the addiction pattern of needing more to create the high that is rearing it’s ugly head. The one thing I can say for sure is that I don’t like the detachment that I have felt this week. It is a strange feeling when something you relied on for so long all of a sudden isn’t there for you anymore… a palpable emptiness that can’t be filled by a piece of cake…
What’s a girl to do? Perhaps just settle down, refocus, get on the scale, face the music, get off the scale, cry a little, and back into the saddle… again. Every week! I tell yah! I am starting to think that my weight loss blog is a sham. Maybe a better name would be a weight loss, regain, weight loss, regain, weight loss, regain the same 10 pounds for 4 months blog. Or, let’s watch Erica drive herself crazy with shared inner dialogue while she squeezes into her skinny pants and takes a picture blog. OK, so this is good. As I am writing this I am actually attaching to the feelings that I have been trying to shove down with french fries this week… I am frustrated with myself!
Don’t things seem like they should be a easier? Maybe I am just delusional from the half of a cake I have eaten over the course of the last few days… and no it wasn’t anyone’s birthday… I just got a cake… to eat… because I wanted cake. I have to reconnect to the pause button in my brain instead of forcing down the faux happy button with peanut butter malt balls… and yes, peanut butter malt balls exist and they are delicious. You know what pause button I am talking about right? The button, when working right, self depresses the moment before you make a decision that could be great or could be not so great. It gives you that blip of time to recenter yourself and make the decision that comes from your inner self telling you what you really need vs. what you want. Yes, maybe it’s not the cheeseburgers that are broken, maybe it’s that my brain buttons are just mixed up? My Pause button is on the fritz and my faux happy button is picking up the slack! I am on to a new scientific theory here people! When the strength dissipates from the Pituitary Pause Button the Hypothalamus initiates the Faux Happy Button Emergency Reserves, known as Cheeseburger Syndrome, causing emotional eating triggers… well something like that!
In January I was unstoppable. There was no turning back. I had my plan. I was motivated. I was seeing results. I was doing awesome… if I must say so myself! I think it was because my brain button was working at it’s max capacity. I was able to stop myself before caving into to unhealthy choices. I got to the point where I didn’t even think about unhealthy choices as an option. I was able to push the button and make the choice to exercise instead of watching an entire season of The Wire. I clicked the button and chose to forgo the bakery instead of stopping to get a giant King Kong sized loaf of bread… to dip in olive oil and spices of course… becasue that’s a healthy fat, right? Just that little blip of time was enough to steer myself in a healthy direction. That’s what I have to focus on getting back.
Okay so it is about the pause, not about broken cheeseburgers. I need to stop, take a breath, create the pause, and then make my decisions. Thanks for letting me talk this one out guys. I needed that. Phew!